BUSY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN — RANDOM LIST #3983 — JUST AN OBSERVATION, #229 — QUOTE OF THE WEEK — A DAMN CLOSE SECOND

Busy Days Are Here Again (Comedy Calendar)

As I write this, the “fall season” of local comedy shows has begun… with last week’s TUESDAY NIGHT COMEDY REVUE at Rock Island Live and yesterday’s debut of the 99 CENT OPEN MIC at Blue Lounge, over 100 souls have been touched, moved, and sullied by local performers so far this month.  Between those shows and the standing ICT COMEDY gigs at Blu Nightclub and Bristol’s Tavern, Tuesday nights in Wichita have effectively been claimed for comedy!  (Well, somebody had to do it—God knows there’s nothing on TV…)

And things just keep rolling from here… the following is a mostly-complete list of upcoming shows of note:

·      SAT 10/24:  MEN’S SCRAPBOOKING CLUB (3-man sketch comedy troupe from WSU)

@ “The Battle Arena”, 1744 S. Mission – Show starts @ 7:45pm(?)

·      TUES 10/27:  ICT COMEDY (Standup, with Eric Sharpe, Daniel Pewewardy, & me)

@ Blu Nightclub, Maple & Tyler – Show starts @ 9:00pm

·      TUES 10/27 & WED 10/28:  NORM MACDONALD (Standup)

@ the Loony Bin, 21^st & Woodlawn – Shows start @ 8:00pm (late show Wed @10:30pm)

·      TUES 11/03:  ICT COMEDY (Standup, with Lamont James, Chris Winslow, & Deonde Crawford)

@ Bristol’s Tavern, 426 E. 61^st N., Park City – Show starts @ 9:00pm

·      SAT 11/07:  THE SCALLYWAGS’s 10^th Annual Anti-Social (Show / Party)

LOCATION & TIME TBA – www.piratecomedy.com

·      TUES 11/10: TUESDAY NIGHT COMEDY REVUE (feat. the ScallyWags, Romie Lee, & more!)

@ Rock Island Live, 101 N. Rock Island – Show starts @ 9:00pm

·      THURS 11/12:  JAMES GATES SHOW #315 (“The Sensitive Male Show”)

@ the Donut Whole, 1720 E. Douglas – Show starts @ 9:00pm

·      FRI 11/13:  BOB & TOM COMEDY ALL-STARS (Standup)

@ the Cotillion, 11120 W. Kellogg – Show starts @ 8:00pm

·      TUES 11/17:  99 CENT OPEN MIC (Standup/improv/music/spoken word/whatever)

@ the Blue Lounge, 608 E. Douglas – Starts @ 9:30pm

…That enough to keep you in the funny?  I’ll keep you updated as we head into December!

Random List #3983

MOVIE-BASED VIDEO GAMES I’D LIKE TO SEE

·      Steel Magnolias

·      Moulin Rouge

·      Fried Green Tomatoes

·      The Green Mile

·      I Am Sam

·      The Graduate

·      Blue Velvet

·      Mystic River

·      The Color Purple

·      Philadelphia

·      Requiem for a Dream

·      Schindler’s List

·      Blair Witch Project

·      Dirty Dancing

·      Brokeback Mountain

·      Birth of a Nation

·      Stand and Deliver (or Dangerous Minds, if Edward James Olmos isn’t hot enough for you)

·      New Jack City

·      Lorenzo’s Oil

·      Eyes Wide Shut

·      Beaches

·      To Kill a Mockingbird

·      Gummo

·      Say Anything

·      Roots

·      Captain Ron

·      March of the Penguins

·      Dead Poets Society

·      Brian’s Song

…and then some cream on the top…

·      Capcom vs. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants

·      Ninja Sling Blade

·      Lilo & Stitch: Vice City

·      Rock Band – Spinal Tap

·      Dance Dance Amistad

Just an Observation, #229

The rules for describing a less-than-glamorous state (U.S. state, not “state of mind”) and describing a less-than-gorgeous lady are similar, but work in opposite ways.  This came up when somebody asked “What’s the best thing you can say about Arkansas?”, and the collective response was “It’s pretty to drive through”… “But is it interesting—does it have any personality?”  “Oh, well, it’s very pretty, especially driving through the Ozarks…”  (Notice how there’s no mention of actually stopping…)

So there you have it.  Ugly girls have great personalities, and stupid states look beautiful, as long as you don’t have to stay.  And that’s today’s peek into the humanity’s awful nature, brought to you by the letter “G”…

Quote of the Week

“Comedians are the monkeys of show business.  You go to the zoo, and everybody likes to see the monkeys, right?  Because they jerk off, play with their own shit, that kind of thing.  Some people actually believe that when they turn off their TV, I just lie down in the box.  The other day it started raining, and this young boy yelled ‘Tracy Morgan, what you doin’ out in the rain?’  Motherfucker, life hits me in the face just like it does you.”

—Tracy Morgan

A Damn Close Second

“I stand here today humbled by the task before dofus kamas, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our cheap dofus kamas. I thank President dofus for his service to buy dofus kamas, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.”

—a comment left on my NAKED CITY blog (what it’s in reference to I have no clue, but I love a good bewilderment…)

This week’s codeword is “velvety”,

JG

Alright…  Here we go with Part 3 of the “Things I’d Like To Yell From the Bathroom” series…if you haven’t read either of the first two (http://jamesgates.tumblr.com/post/111307664 , http://jamesgates.tumblr.com/post/141036141 ) it’s pretty straightforward—sometimes, there’s things that you’d just like to scream out to the whole world.  Thing is, that doesn’t mean you want the world looking at you while you’re doing it.  My solution?  Take a microphone into the bathroom with you, and start yelling…  (BE ADVISED:  adult language of a surprisingly venomous nature follows…)

• THE ONLY THING MY MOTHER EVER SUGGESTED TO ME FOR A CAREER WAS DENTISTRY!  THAT IS IT!

• I AM ADDICTED TO PICKING SOCIAL SCABS!

• I’M NOT HERE TO LIVE YOUR LIES!  MY LIES ARE MORE COMPELLING THAN YOURS ANYWAY!

• I WOULD SLAP A PUPPY AND A NEWBORN BABY IN THE FACE WITH MY DICK FOR JUST ONE GOOD BACKRUB!

• I SPEND MORE ON MY SEX BUDGET THAN LAUNDRY, WHICH MAY BE COUNTERPRODUCTIVE!

• TAKE OFF THAT FUCKING BLACK COMMIE INDIE-KID TRAIN ENGINEER CAP!  YOU LOOK LIKE RADIOHEAD HAD AN ABORTION!

• STOP THINKING I’M HAVING THAT MUCH SEX, BECAUSE I’M NOT!  BUT DAMMIT, I SHOULD BE!

• WHY WASN’T I THERE?  BECAUSE EVERYONE ASSUMES I WAS ALREADY INVITED, YOU ASSHOLES!

• I AM MY CATS’ BITCH!  JUST A CAT BITCH!

• I’D LIKE WOMEN TO STOP USING THE WORD “DAMAGE” IN REFERENCE TO MY PENIS!

• YOU, IN THE SHORT-SLEEVED COUNTRY/WESTERN SHIRT – YOU’RE A BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN BITCH WAITING TO HAPPEN!

• YES, I LIKE DEPECHE MODE!  AND FUCK YOU!!

• I AM THE BLACKEST PERSON IN THE ROOM, UNTIL A BLACK PERSON COMES IN THE ROOM—THEN I’M “THAT GUY”!

• I LIKE TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH PEOPLE WHEN I FART!  IT’S BEST WHEN THEY FIGURE OUT WHAT’S HAPPENING HALFWAY THROUGH!

• I WANT TO SEE STEVEN HAWKING ON THE NEXT “DANCING WITH THE STARS”!  I WANNA SEE THAT BITCH DO THE CHARLESTON!

Looking back, this one was particularly salty-mouthed; curious…

JG

(P.S.:  The TUESDAY NIGHT COMEDY REVUE returns on Oct. 13^th @ Rock Island Live—get your asses ready now, ‘cause we’re gonna knock you on ‘em!)

The following is, to the best of my memory, a transcript of one of the bits I performed last night at the ICT COMEDY show at Blue Lounge…and if you weren’t there, it’s time to start rethinking your priorities.  Seriously—if you have THE OFFICE on DVD, that means you can watch it anytime!  Get your ass off the couch and be part of the real world!  We’re waiting for you… (Be advised: adult language follows.)

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For those of you who don’t know, my name is James Gates.  I’m the “alternative” comedian of ICT COMEDY…which usually means I’m the guy they have go on first, just in case the shit goes wrong.  But tonight they let me go last, which is cool, because I’ve been fucking with all the other comedians all night, telling them I’m gonna pull a Kanye during their bit—“I’m gonna let you get back to it in a minute, but first I just wanna say, Biggs’s bit on bacon is better than this!”

(Incidentally, trying saying “Biggs’s bit on bacon is better” 10 times fast… see, everybody thinks this is an easy job—hell, we’re coming up with new tongue twisters, just for you…)

Let me ask, by show of hands or applause, who saw or heard about what Kanye West did to Taylor Swift at the VMAs this past weekend? (pause; most everyone applauds) Okay, now how many of you felt what Kanye did was stupid or wrong? (pause; everyone applauds again) Alright, one more question:  Why do you care?

I mean, seriously— there’s four black people in the room currently…I’m gonna take a gamble and say nobody here is related to Kanye West.  It’s not like you can be personally embarrassed by what he did…so why do you care what the hell he did to whoever?  I say let the man do his job.  Why?  Because he’s the Thomas Edison of fucking up, that’s why!  He’s brilliant!  He is constantly coming up with new and exciting ways to fuck it up, and testing them out on an audience of millions.  It’s beautiful!

I mean, do you know what it means when the President calls you a jackass, in public?  That’s like the Purple Heart of fucking up!  It’s the highest honor a civilian can attain in that particular field, and Kanye got it!  I am riveted!  I’m just sitting back, like “Go, man, go!  I have no idea how you’re gonna top this one, but I have faith in your abilities!  Whatever you want—ride a giraffe naked through Times Square, hijack an airplane, go piss on the Queen of England, kill the Loch Ness Monster…I don’t care, let’s DO this!!”

And it could just be September’s a bad month for him… ‘cause I don’t know if you remember, but Kanye ran into some trouble about this time last year.  There was a whole controversy about him attacking some paparazzi in an airport on September 11^th.  Let’s go over that one more time— he went apeshit, and attacked a bunch of people with cameras, inside an AIRPORT, on SEPT. 11^TH… that is a brilliant stroke of fucking up!  Beat THAT, O.J. Simpson!

And by the way, if you actually feel sorry for Taylor Swift in all of this, you’re a fucking idiot, straight up… First of all, she just won an award; no matter what else happened, she left that night with a trophy— think she’s losing sleep over what Kanye West thinks of her?  And second, she’s probably gonna sell an extra 10,000 records this week, just out of sympathy.  Sympathy!!  And she’s a country music star, so that means her main demographic is lower-to-middle income, blue collar workers.  People living hand-to-mouth and worried about layoffs are gonna be spending their money because they feel sorry for a skinny white bitch from Hollywood that makes more money than God!  MORE MONEY THAN GOD!!

I can’t stress that last part enough— ‘cause little-known fact:  God didn’t do it for the money.  He did it for the love…

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And for the record, I don’t care what you say about 808s & Heartbreaks, there were still a couple of bangers on there,

JG

P.S.: The TUESDAY NIGHT COMEDY REVUE is returning with new shows in October— dates to be announced soon!

In the history of civilization, Christianity has long been known as one of the most permissive and laid-back of all religions.  In fact, in many parts of the world, the term “Christian” has come to be synonymous with “Hey, you do you thing, I’ll do mine—I’d never judge or push my beliefs upon you.”  But this wasn’t always the case…

At the beginning of the 1500s, Christianity was the dominating spiritual force over much of the known world.  But then, a shocking revelation came to light—there were still parts of the world just now being discovered, and who knows what kind of God they’re worshipping over there.  Something had to be done, and so in 1518, in order to extend Christianity’s reach around the globe, Pope Bocephus the 9^th initiated the “Great Reach-Around”, empowering agents of the Church and assigning them the sizable task of converting the New World to the holy faith.  Over time, these agents have come to be referred to under the umbrella term of “missionaries”, but were in fact separated into three distinct groups, each with different names and methods—Classic Missionaries, Doggystylists, and Reverse Cowgirls.  Let’s take a moment to examine each:

Most of us are familiar with the CLASSIC MISSIONARY from school, either in history class or your Middle School health unit.  (Some of you may have learned from your parents, but we really don’t want to know about that.)  The most straightforward of the three methods, the Classic Missionary used an up-front, face-to-face approach to conversion, and was the first one attempted by the Church, as it was still “feeling things out for the ‘Freak Factor’”.  This doctrine achieved the most success in Central and South America, where it was applied along with a healthy dose of raping and killing.

Though Classic Missionaries came first, the DOGGYSTYLISTS were right behind them.  Proponents of an older, more natural approach to conversion, Doggystylists were first dispatched to Polynesia in the early 1600s, but would soon prove a popular alternative to Classic Missionary.  In no time at all, Doggystyle was being performed throughout the Colonial world.  This sudden following would lead some adherents to question the sincerity of the new believers…in fact, many practitioners of the time were heard to exclaim, “They don’t love Him, they just love His Doggystyle.”  Famed Doggystylists include many of the so-called “Swinger Saints”, such as St. Sylvester, the patron saint of pimps, and St. Lefty of Assisi, the man credited with single-handedly bringing herpes to Nova Scotia.

Little is known about the third group, the REVERSE COWGIRLS.  Legend has it they were an elite, highly-trained squad of nuns that the Church would send into action when Classic Missionary and Doggystyle just wasn’t doing it for them.  Aggressive, almost intimidating (but in a good way), the Cowgirls would achieve widespread success and acclaim in the American Southwest and California, and would later provide the inspiration for the Ruff Muff Riders of the Spanish-American War of 1898.  Famous practitioners over time include the Sisters of St. Nympho and the Order of Our Lady of the Perpetual Downstroke.

Today, the role of the “missionary” in society has faded in its prevalence.  But the Church still employs all three methods of conversion, and more, in its continuing mission to put a little Jesus inside of everyone.  In the next section, we’ll explore the use of “Water Sports” in Christianity, and whether R. Kelly was simply doing the good Lord’s work.

(Little secret—there is no next section),

JG

(Pretty self-explanatory—these are 12 lessons that I happened to learn during these particular months…)

·      Lesson I’ve Learned in JANUARY: Never let a lady touch your memory stick…

·      Lesson I’ve Learned in FEBRUARY: There is no Black Future Month, so during History month you gotta give it up for both…

·      Lesson I’ve Learned in MARCH: Just like the saying goes– in like a lion, out like a nervous breakdown…

·      Lesson I’ve Learned in APRIL: The Easter Bunny’s not Catholic– hell, he isn’t even real (but being him is a sweaty job…)

·      Lesson I’ve Learned in MAY: Provided you have the right windows for a good air flow, you can have sex all month…

·      Lesson I’ve Learned in JUNE: (slow, deep “Tonto” voice) White Man turn Red fast in Sun…and not in good way…

·      Lesson Learned in JULY: Never perform on July 11^th if your name is James Gates (maybe I’m forgetting to sacrifice a virgin…)

·      Lesson Learned in AUGUST: Apparently, August is National Vandalism Month (heat turns people into douchebags or something…)

·      Lesson Learned in SEPTEMBER: At a certain point in the year, guys stop wearing flip-flops, and thank God for that…

·      Lesson Learned in OCTOBER: Halloween, by far the sexiest of holidays- girls are double-DTF for the whole 2 weeks around it…

·      Lesson Learned in NOVEMBER: Thanksgiving- the perfect holiday for depression (and helps set the tone for the rest of year)…

·      Lesson Learned in DECEMBER: Having a birthday on the equidistant point between Xmas and New Year’s sucks all of your balls…

Trying to learn something new every day—for example, today’s lesson: the movie STARGATE does not actually get better with age (we’re hoping a better lesson comes along later today, but sometimes you get what you get…),

JG

          At the beginning of each JAMES GATES SHOW, the audience is given a questionnaire to fill out and turn back in.  We then go over the results later in the program, and we all learn a little bit about ourselves and the U.S. Presidents.  The following is a cross-section of questions from the first season of shows—take it if you like, and post it to me and I’ll send back your results!

          (WARNING:  adult language follows.  Also, I’m copyrighting the phrase “cross-section of questions”, so step off, MCs…)

1. Last Sunday was a motherfucker.  If you have two bitches before Thursday, does that make Friday a son of a bitch?

1. Name two of the three poorest Presidents. (Pre-presidential, of course—no President has ever died broke.)

1. If the Pope falls in the woods and no one’s around to see it, can you hear a bear s#!t in a funny hat?

1. What smells better:  Sex in the morning, or slightly burnt cupcakes?

1. Name this famous figure:  “Was I a Founding Father?  I’ll do you one better; I killed one of the Founding Fathers!  Hell yeah, shot the bitch dead in a duel, ‘cause he was talkin’ s#!t, and Homey don’t play that.  Then I went down to Louisiana and was fittin’ to really f#@k some shit up before they caught me!  So mother f#@k a ten dollar bill…”

1. How does Keanu Reeves keep ending up in interesting movies?  What is up with that?

1. What do Oedipus, Mordred Pendragon, and Marvin Gaye have in common?

1. Cheddar, or ass?

1. Supposing at a point ten years from now time travel is invented and perfected, where do you see yourself five years from now?

1. What ended the flagpole-sitting craze of the 1920’s?

1. Why do evil wizards wear those hats with the weird antler-things that curl and point down?

1. Name this famous figure:  “I’ve been called the Father of the Constitution.  I could also be called ‘Guy in Charge when British troops set the White House on fire’.  But mostly, I’m known as the Littlest President of them all!  Oh, so tiny… so very, very tiny!”

1. List the second and third things that come to mind when you see the phrase BIG JESUS!

1. Pick a Baldwin.  Any Baldwin.

1. Now… was THIS the Baldwin you were thinking of? (flashy hand gestures)

1. Have you subscribed to my blog yet?  (Okay, it’s not really a question, just shameless self-pimping… www.jamesgates.tumblr.com , www.ncbeat.com/blogging.html )

The second half of Season 3 starts in October (keep on the lookout!),

JG

Random List #3944 – SHOWS ON “ZOMBIE TV”

More and more, I find myself using Twitter and Facebook as a place to test/”sneak preview” certain material… case in point:  I started leaking some of this list yesterday, with a bit of commentary on each.  It started innocently enough, without even a title…

·      “Now, folks around Hazzard County have known for some time, them Duke boys’ll eat your brains right out your head…” (cue banjo)

·      ZOMBIE CROCODILE HUNTER- Steve Irwin returns from the grave to molest a new set of unsuspecting animals for our viewing pleasure!

·      BEVERLY ZOM-BILLIES- “Brains, that is- Skull Gold, Cranium Tea…” (cue banjo; strange how often zombies & banjos fit together…)

·      LIVE W\ REGIS & ZOMBIE- I know, you’d think it’s the other way around, but take a closer look– NO WAY is that bitch normal…

·      THE BITE OF THE CONCHORDS– Infection is still one of the best ways to start a cult following…

·      DECOMPOSING HOUSEWIVES- oh, come on– they were already halfway there when the show started 5 years ago…

·      UNDEAD BETTY- Is homosexuality a metaphor for zombies, or are zombies a metaphor for homosexuality? These are the questions…

·      ZOMBIE & THE BEAST– can still star Linda Hamilton & Ron Perlman in the title roles!

·      ZOMBIE KNIGHT RIDER- question is, who’s dead- Hasslehoff, KITT, or both? (Or maybe there’s no KITT, and he’s just riding a zombie)

·      THEY’RE ALWAYS HUNGRY IN PHILADELPHIA– Oh, like Danny DeVito was ever that funny while he was still alive…

·      LAW & ORDER: SZU- “In the zombie justice system, human brains are considered particularly tasty…” CHUK-CHUK!

·      EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND’S BRAINS– Pretty obvious…one cast member played Frankenstein, and another actually IS Frankenstein…

·      WITCH DOCTOR WHO– Q: What’s the one thing that could actually make time travel MORE complicated? A: Zombies, of course…

·      ZOMBIE FLIPPER– Greatest idea in the history of civilization. Michael Bay must film this NOW. Related: Zombie Lassie, Mr. Unde-ED

…and it just ballooned from there…

·      Zombie Idol

·      CSI: Raccoon City

·      Top Chef: Zombie

·      2 and a Half-Man

·      Grey’s Post-Anatomy

·      Undeadwood

·      Stargate SZ-1

·      The Undead Zone

·      Zombie’s Creek

·      One Tree Silent Hill

·      The Gilmore Zombies

·      Port-Au-Prince 90210

·      Hannah Zomb-tana

·      Zomb-tourage

·      Charlie’s Zombies (or Zombie’s Angels)

·      The 6 Million Dollar Zombie

·      Bionic Zombie

·      Extreme Makeover: Zombie Edition

·      How I Ate Your Mother

·      Zombiewood Squares

·      Tic Tac Zombie

·      21 Zombie Street

·      Zombie and the Fatman

·      Spongebob Zombiepants

·      Leave It To Zombie

·      Dead of the Class

·      Zombie Bloopers and Practical Jokes

·      WKRZ in Cincinnati

·      He-Man and the Zombies of the Universe

·      Mary Zombie Moore Show

·      The Brain-Eat Bunch

·      ZR

·      Undead Like Me

·      Murder, She Ate

·      Zombie Matlock (oh wait—that’s what Matlock was in the first place…)

·      Laverne & Zombie

·      B.J. & the Zombie

·      Touched By a Zombie

·      Dr. Quinn, Zombie Woman

·      Zombie Acres

·      The Z Word

·      Saved By the Bell: the Zombie Years

·      Zombie Meets World

·      That’s So Zombie!

·      All My Zombies

·      Days of Our Deaths

·      One Life to Eat

·      The Z-Team

·      Zombie Airwolf

·      My Favorite Zombie

·      The Greatest American Zombie

·      Quantum Zombie

·      The Facts of Death

·      227 (28 Days Later)                                   

·      VH1 Pop-Up Zombie

·      Zombie Vice

·      I Dream of Zombie

And shows already on the air featuring zombies:

·      According To Jim

·      Dancing With the Stars

·      Last Call with Carson Daly

Interesting note:  I was never able to come up with a zombie version of 24… it just wouldn’t work.  You can’t have zombies in a show that requires people dying to advance the storyline…

Random List #2861 – “THE 12 LABORS OF UHURA”

I’d like to conclude with a list I call “The Twelve Labors of Uhura”, in honor of probably the only “Uhura” you know (and definitely the only one I know), Lt. Uhura, the communications officer for the Starship Enterprise, from the classic original STAR TREK series and recent theatrical release of the same name.

 I do this because I feel that Lt. Uhura has NEVER gotten the level of recognition that she has deserved.  You may be aware that she took part in the first interracial kiss shown on television—with Captain Kirk, of course—but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  I mean, seriously… she was a black woman in space in the 1960s.  Let’s go over that again:  she was a BLACK WOMAN, in SPACE, in THE 1960s.   The bitch broke down barriers in her sleep.  I mean, when you’re a black woman in space in the 1960s, pretty much anything you do sets a precedent… 

So with that in mind, I’d like to take a moment, if I may, to share some of Lt. Uhura’s many accomplishments with you.  Think of it as sort of a tribute to Black Future Month….

Lt. Uhura was:

• 1^st black woman to kiss a white man on television, in space (and that works both ways—she was also the 1^st to kiss a white man in space, on television…)
• 2^nd black woman to use a water fountain in space
• 3^rd black woman on the Enterprise to be on the Enterprise
• 4^th woman to urinate in the Alpha Quadrant
• 5^th black woman to eat yogurt in space
• 6^th black person to play racquetball in space
• 7^th woman to have a “heavy flow” at Warp 5 or higher
• 8^th woman in Starfleet trained in the “Distracting Feather Dance”
• 9^th person in the Federation to get the Roluman Herpes
• 10^th person/extraterrestrial to get an  “emergency gynecological exam” from Dr. McCoy
• 11^th person/extraterrestrial to file suit against Dr. McCoy in Federation court (pending the completion of their five-year mission)
• 12^th black woman to tell Kirk “Now HELL no!!”

Me love lists,

JG

The following are “transcripts” of my last two Twitter Theme Fridays… that’s where I post hourly online updates based upon a predetermined theme (part of me feels like you probably could’ve figured that out yourself, but there you go).  Anyway, if you enjoy what you see here, come on over to Twitter and follow me:  www.twitter.com/JamesGates01

And away we go!

THEME #1 – “Why Comedy?” (July 31)

9AM: Comedy is my most marketable skill (freelance insanity doesn’t pay like it used to) #whycomedy

10AM: I love & know more Monty Python than you– Oh yeah… (btw, I refuse to do “The Lumberjack Song”, on principle) #whycomedy

11AM: I spent over 2 years rewriting the lyrics of any song I heard to be about farts, the Holocaust, or Mary Todd Lincoln… #whycomedy

12PM: I may like talking, a lot, but I sure love DOing more… #whycomedy

1PM: I have yet to pull together my dream lounge combo—Jimmy Allen & the Laws of Average… #whycomedy

2PM: I inspire weird visions in other people– like my buddy Nick’s dream, where I dyed my hair black “for my art” (!) #whycomedy

3PM: By the age of 4, I had learned the Law of Diminishing Returns and how it applies to comedy- it’s all on the 3s & 5s, baby… #whycomedy

4PM: Frankly, it’s the easiest way to describe \ explain my love life… #whycomedy

THEME #2 – “My Future…” (August 14)

9AM: I’m gonna name my first child ROFL-LMAO, ’cause that’s how I met your mother… #myfuture

10AM: Within 3 yrs, Gene Shalt will have fully transformed into one of the Skeksis from DARK CRYSTAL (but dressed like Mr. Rogers) #myfuture

11AM: The 2nd Coming will be seen by Pay-Per-View only (and that’s assuming Jesus beats Brock Lesner in the opening bout…) #myfuture

12PM: I will eventually stop smoking cigarettes- the same week they legalize my “herbal supplements” (I think that’s a fair trade) #myfuture

1PM: The 1st lesbian President will invite Canada to move in (too soon), then get into a domestic dispute for no good reason… #myfuture

2PM: It’s NEVER been about Man vs. Machine– it’s Carbon life vs. Silicon (Which means breast implants are “sleeper agents”…) #myfuture

3PM: When the post-Apocalypse comes to pass, hope I get to be Harrison Ford, or maybe Clive Owen (ANYTHING but Kevin Costner…) #myfuture

4PM: 2011- “Truth in Ass-vertising” law is passed, requiring ass-word shorts to display true phrases, like “Slut” or “Bad Decision”… #myfuture

And “BOOM” goes the dynamite,

JG

(Another one from the “early days”—this is one of the first monologues I wrote/performed with PANIC BUTTONS, and was also among the first solo pieces I did when I began visiting the local Open Mics… wanna hear it?  Here it go… )

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Hello there.  So, I don’t have any kids—(pause; considering) Yeah, I’m going stick with that answer…  And that’s okay, because I don’t really feel ready for kids right now.  And by “right now”, I mean “while the earth is in its current form”.  I mean, talk to me about it after the Apocalypse, I might be more interested.  Hell, I’ll probably be up for a lot of things in the post-Apocalyptic future.  That’s kinda how that goes.  You gotta be adaptable, you know, like Tina Turner…

Anyway, despite this lack of desire, I recently imagined what it would be like to be a parent.  Specifically, what would I say—what kind of wisdom could I impart to the theoretical fruit of my looms.  Here goes:

First, I would tell them to shut up.  Sure, it may seem harsh, but I think we can all agree that “Shut up” is a vitally important lesson in this day and age.  And you want to get it in early, while they’re still picking up the whole talking habit in the first place.  Seriously, you’ve got one good shot at this—you either get it ingrained now, or spend the next 15 years buying A.D.D. medications…

As a responsible parent, I’ll be sure to hammer that first lesson home… that way, as my little bundle of consequences heads off to school, they’ll have a head start on Lesson Two:  DON’T STAND OUT.  You see, people like to belong, and they want you to belong as well. (Which actually means “Stop being different”…)  Luckily, there are representatives within all forms of society that identify deviants, and attempt to correct their misguided behaviors.  They’re called “Bullies”.  I know, education should start at home, but these are stressful times, and I think many of us neglect to see just how formative that constant rejection and humiliation can be for a developing child.

In fact, I think it’s very important as a parent to begin having long, unexplained absences from the home as soon as possible.  Really put some effort into it…I mean, leaving for a month in the middle of the night is great—leaving in the middle of dinner is better.  And when I came back, I’d have a moustache, or a slightly different haircut, so they’d always wonder in the back of their head if I’m not actually an imposter. 

And when they ask me about it, it’s the perfect chance to address Lesson Three:  Nothing stays the same, Sweetie, not even Daddy…  Let’s be honest here: humans are walking contradictions.  That’s reality.  And I wouldn’t deny my child that.  I want them to see the world for the beautiful, constantly shifting kaleidoscope it is.  That way, when I leave their ass in the dust, they’ll understand.  More importantly, they’ll be better prepared for the cycle of abandoned and abandoning lovers to which they’ll be accustomed for most of their life.

So, shut up, don’t be different, and nothing lasts.  That’s what I’d say. (starts to walk off; comes back) Oh, one more thing—I’m currently accepting donations for my vasectomy.  There’s a container up there on the bar… no pressure; just give what you can.  Thank you.

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Doing my part to fight overpopulation,

JG

THE ANCHOVY AND THE VAGRANT – FB FRIEND SPOTLIGHT ON JAMAL “TAKEYOGURL” ROLFE-MURRAY – “NO, NO, IT’S TRUE…” #16 – QUOTE OF THE WEEK

The Anchovy and the Vagrant

So, as many of you are aware or could probably guess, I do have a day job.  Like many Americans, I work at an establishment, selling things.  Recently, I found myself having a beverage in a somewhat similar establishment, and the experience allowed me to note a number of interesting comparisons between the two.  I don’t want to cause any kafuffles (at least I don’t think; I’m not 100% certain what a “kafuffle” is), so let me refrain from using actual names.  Let’s call them the “Anchovy” and the “Vagrant”…

The breakdown has always been fascinating to me—here are two places, on opposite sides of the downtown area, both open approximately the same hours, selling approximately the same things to approximately the same type of people.  But from there the similarities end… one is large and open, the other small and intimate.  One could be described as a bar that’s also a coffeeshop, the other a coffeeshop that’s also a bar.  One sometimes has bands in their non-smoking section, the other sometimes shows movies on its back patio.  (What? Did somebody say “movies”? I didn’t hear anything…)

And the contrasts continue:

·      One has a picture of Carrie Nation on the wall; the other has a picture of Scott Baio

·      One is next to a giant, phallic clock tower; the other is down the road from the Donut Whole

·      One wins the “hairiest staff” competition by over 80 square feet (and they’re the one with the kitchen); the other wins the “sluttiest staff” competition, with nearly 40% having reproduced in the last two years

In the end, both are great, important outposts of Wichita culture, worthy of your patronage.  But just for the record, I think there’s more lesbians at the Vagrant.  It’s probably just a good “Vag”-association thing, but hey, if you’re into that, there you go.

Facebook Friend Spotlight on Jamal “TakeyoGurl” Rolfe-Murray

With such unique and enchanting status updates as “Movin On Up Jus call me Mr Jefferson!” and “…Don’t care how many steriods u take to pump up ur meat, the back stroke is wat counts Period, if u aint got that down Y bother”, Jamal quickly caught the attention of the FBFS selection committee.  But a deeper look into the world of Jamal “TakeyoGurl” Rolfe-Murray (what the kids these days call “Facebook stalking”) would show those nuggets barely scratched the surface…

A native Wichitan and graduate of Collegiate High School now residing in Lawrence and attending KU, Jamal (or “J‘TG’R-M”) lists his interests as “Girls, Girls, Girls, um football, money, shoes, video games, NCAA 2008, girls, cooking, infidelity, and Candice Ogbomo”.  As I share at least five of those same interests, I felt drawn to J‘TG’R-M immediately.  He’s also an avid hip-hop and reality show enthusiast, and I particularly identified with his response when asked about his favorite authors: “I’ve read a lot of books, so sh*t, whatever you wanna know.”

The more I read, the deeper the kinship I felt…take his job description (for the dual roles of “MwB-Racketeer” and “MwB-King Pin”):

“You know we do a wide range of community work. A lot of time in the street/s.  My team is part of a movement, a new era, eraticating a lot of domestic error and the faulty character of its inhabitants. The governments investigating because they swear its Genocide. The major factor is, we get money, lucrative schemes for C.R.E.A.M. later for the bullsh*t because once you got that the rest falls in order.”

Now, who hasn’t put that down on a job application?

In all serious-ity, Jamal looks to be an enterprising young man, doing his part and playing a role in the nascent Lawrence hip-hop scene, and credit where credit’s due for such endeavors.  Feel free to look him up in my friends, and in the words of J‘TG’R-M himself. “Stop spreadin them satanic rumors ‘bout 3-6 Mafia”…

“No, No, It’s True…” #16

The word generally accepted as the most difficult in the world for lexicographers to define is mamihlapinatapai , a Fuegan word meaning “Two people looking at each other, each one hoping the other will do that which both desire, but neither is willing to do themselves.”  (The thing about it, once the word’s been introduced into your life, you keep seeing instances where it fits… like “Who’s gonna take your drunk friend that cries home from the bar?”, or “Which of us in the neighborhood are gonna tell the one lady that gargoyles hanging off a white picket fence is not ‘kinda classy?’”

Quote of the Week

“Man…it looks like the Fun Machine took a sh*t and died in here…”

– Guy I’d stop quoting if he’d quit saying funny things

I was wondering what that smell was,

JG