“All Up In It” – A Short History of Missionaries

In the history of civilization, Christianity has long been known as one of the most permissive and laid-back of all religions.  In fact, in many parts of the world, the term “Christian” has come to be synonymous with “Hey, you do you thing, I’ll do mine—I’d never judge or push my beliefs upon you.”  But this wasn’t always the case…

At the beginning of the 1500s, Christianity was the dominating spiritual force over much of the known world.  But then, a shocking revelation came to light—there were still parts of the world just now being discovered, and who knows what kind of God they’re worshipping over there.  Something had to be done, and so in 1518, in order to extend Christianity’s reach around the globe, Pope Bocephus the 9^th initiated the “Great Reach-Around”, empowering agents of the Church and assigning them the sizable task of converting the New World to the holy faith.  Over time, these agents have come to be referred to under the umbrella term of “missionaries”, but were in fact separated into three distinct groups, each with different names and methods—Classic Missionaries, Doggystylists, and Reverse Cowgirls.  Let’s take a moment to examine each:

Most of us are familiar with the CLASSIC MISSIONARY from school, either in history class or your Middle School health unit.  (Some of you may have learned from your parents, but we really don’t want to know about that.)  The most straightforward of the three methods, the Classic Missionary used an up-front, face-to-face approach to conversion, and was the first one attempted by the Church, as it was still “feeling things out for the ‘Freak Factor’”.  This doctrine achieved the most success in Central and South America, where it was applied along with a healthy dose of raping and killing.

Though Classic Missionaries came first, the DOGGYSTYLISTS were right behind them.  Proponents of an older, more natural approach to conversion, Doggystylists were first dispatched to Polynesia in the early 1600s, but would soon prove a popular alternative to Classic Missionary.  In no time at all, Doggystyle was being performed throughout the Colonial world.  This sudden following would lead some adherents to question the sincerity of the new believers…in fact, many practitioners of the time were heard to exclaim, “They don’t love Him, they just love His Doggystyle.”  Famed Doggystylists include many of the so-called “Swinger Saints”, such as St. Sylvester, the patron saint of pimps, and St. Lefty of Assisi, the man credited with single-handedly bringing herpes to Nova Scotia.

Little is known about the third group, the REVERSE COWGIRLS.  Legend has it they were an elite, highly-trained squad of nuns that the Church would send into action when Classic Missionary and Doggystyle just wasn’t doing it for them.  Aggressive, almost intimidating (but in a good way), the Cowgirls would achieve widespread success and acclaim in the American Southwest and California, and would later provide the inspiration for the Ruff Muff Riders of the Spanish-American War of 1898.  Famous practitioners over time include the Sisters of St. Nympho and the Order of Our Lady of the Perpetual Downstroke.

Today, the role of the “missionary” in society has faded in its prevalence.  But the Church still employs all three methods of conversion, and more, in its continuing mission to put a little Jesus inside of everyone.  In the next section, we’ll explore the use of “Water Sports” in Christianity, and whether R. Kelly was simply doing the good Lord’s work.

(Little secret—there is no next section),

JG