Things I’d Like to Yell From the Bathroom 3

Alright…  Here we go with Part 3 of the “Things I’d Like To Yell From the Bathroom” series…if you haven’t read either of the first two (http://jamesgates.tumblr.com/post/111307664 , http://jamesgates.tumblr.com/post/141036141 ) it’s pretty straightforward—sometimes, there’s things that you’d just like to scream out to the whole world.  Thing is, that doesn’t mean you want the world looking at you while you’re doing it.  My solution?  Take a microphone into the bathroom with you, and start yelling…  (BE ADVISED:  adult language of a surprisingly venomous nature follows…)

• THE ONLY THING MY MOTHER EVER SUGGESTED TO ME FOR A CAREER WAS DENTISTRY!  THAT IS IT!

 

• I AM ADDICTED TO PICKING SOCIAL SCABS!

 

• I’M NOT HERE TO LIVE YOUR LIES!  MY LIES ARE MORE COMPELLING THAN YOURS ANYWAY!

 

• I WOULD SLAP A PUPPY AND A NEWBORN BABY IN THE FACE WITH MY DICK FOR JUST ONE GOOD BACKRUB!

 

• I SPEND MORE ON MY SEX BUDGET THAN LAUNDRY, WHICH MAY BE COUNTERPRODUCTIVE!

 

• TAKE OFF THAT FUCKING BLACK COMMIE INDIE-KID TRAIN ENGINEER CAP!  YOU LOOK LIKE RADIOHEAD HAD AN ABORTION!

 

• STOP THINKING I’M HAVING THAT MUCH SEX, BECAUSE I’M NOT!  BUT DAMMIT, I SHOULD BE!

 

• WHY WASN’T I THERE?  BECAUSE EVERYONE ASSUMES I WAS ALREADY INVITED, YOU ASSHOLES!

 

• I AM MY CATS’ BITCH!  JUST A CAT BITCH!

 

• I’D LIKE WOMEN TO STOP USING THE WORD “DAMAGE” IN REFERENCE TO MY PENIS!

 

• YOU, IN THE SHORT-SLEEVED COUNTRY/WESTERN SHIRT – YOU’RE A BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN BITCH WAITING TO HAPPEN!

 

• YES, I LIKE DEPECHE MODE!  AND FUCK YOU!!

 

• I AM THE BLACKEST PERSON IN THE ROOM, UNTIL A BLACK PERSON COMES IN THE ROOM—THEN I’M “THAT GUY”!

 

• I LIKE TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH PEOPLE WHEN I FART!  IT’S BEST WHEN THEY FIGURE OUT WHAT’S HAPPENING HALFWAY THROUGH!

 

• I WANT TO SEE STEVEN HAWKING ON THE NEXT “DANCING WITH THE STARS”!  I WANNA SEE THAT BITCH DO THE CHARLESTON!

 

 

Looking back, this one was particularly salty-mouthed; curious…

JG

(P.S.:  The TUESDAY NIGHT COMEDY REVUE returns on Oct. 13^th @ Rock Island Live—get your asses ready now, ‘cause we’re gonna knock you on ‘em!)