Dear Kyle,

Long time reader, first time poster.

I’m obsessed with your blog, but unfortch I’m not a big fan of unicorns. I try to check your blog on the daily, but now I’m afraid to because of your recent pic. What’s a girl to do?

Yours always and forevs,
Miss Horny Anti-unicorny

P.S. I’m horny all the time, hence the “horny” part. What do I do about that, also?

Dear Miss Horny,
Since you act like a dog, I’m going to throw you a bone (and yes, it’s that kind of bone): a “rerun night stand” is a great way to alleviate sexual tension. When you sleep with an ex, your total number of intimate partners doesn’t increase. Plus, you’re less likely to obsess over some jerk off when you already know he won’t call you. Stop dissing unicorns and start highlighting pages in that little black book—otherwise, the only jerk off in your bed will be single-handed.

Dear Kyle,
Last night I accidentally said the word “oriental” in front of my half-Japanese boyfriend. I would normally never use such loaded language (in fact, I can’t remember ever saying that word before), but it just sort of . . . slipped out. Though I changed the subject to conceal my gaffe, I’ve been wracked by guilt ever since. Should I bring it up to him now or continue to pretend like nothing happened?

Signed,
Racially-Conscious Ricki

Dear Rickshaw,
Racial epithets are only offensive if the minority in question can beat you up. I say distract your boyfriend with a combination of math problems and Gwen Stefani videos, then sweep this whole unpleasantness under the Oriental rug.

Dear Kyle,
My new boyfriend loves my ass, so much so that he wants to kiss me after eating it out. I’ve always subscribed to the “while you’re down there” school of dating (that is, do what you want, but don’t expect me to reciprocate), but lately I find myself compromising to make this man happy. Should I reward his efforts with a kiss or shout, “I don’t do that! I don’t do that!” like Miranda from SATC?

Yours,
Confused About Ass Kissing

Dear Kiss Ass,
Your new boyfriend sounds like a real bottom feeder. Try simulating the flavor of ass-to-mouth (the preferred annalingal lingo for post-rimjob kisses) by not brushing your teeth days prior to the coital act. If that doesn’t work, volunteer to pay your man for those hours he’s logging licking logs—I mean, they don’t call it a rim“job” for nothing. This is ultimately about your comfort level, so I’d hate to see you make an ass of yourself.

Love,
Two Kyles, One Cup

p.s. Check out “The Scoop on Poop” at Exploration Place—it’s a hoot!

Your questions are very important to us; post them in the comments section below, and Kyle will respond in the order in which they’re received they make him laugh.